It was an email from an old friend. Someone I look up to for all that they've been able to do and live in ministry abroad. This is a spiritual giant. I have heard the stories and seen the scars their lives carry from their great triumphs and losses. They have lost and lived through such devastation; the kind like Job, that you hope only happens once in a lifetime.
I'm reading Job right now. The chronological Bible has it in the beginning, right next to 'the Beginning'. Job is a book that I feel kindred to. I have lived and lost, and shouted at God through it, and then seen God move, repent, and carry on with thankfulness for the life I can move forward with.
What's hard to explain is this idea of continued suffering. I found myself this week reading about yet another hard time for this lovely family. It made me really sad, and then just really angry that they were dealing with loss on another more painful level.
I sent back an note with some scripture and a testimony of what God pulled us through. It felt a bit hollow, really, like there must be more than this life of misery. I wanted to be rejoicing with them for what God was doing, not commiserating with them for the obvious pain of their hearts in their current situation.
I said in my note that I wouldn't trade what my suffering led me to; a greater relationship with Jesus. Well, isn't that what we pray for? Answers to prayer sometimes comes through intense trials, followed by more trials. Obviously not for everyone, but character development can come at a high price.
What I came back to was HOPE! It may not make sense, but hear me out. I was listening to some friends here talk about how they couldn't imagine having a child of theirs die, putting a dog down was hard enough. Something inside me kind of woke up. My spirit woke up. What would I do if a child died? Mine did! I grieved and I moved forward. I grieved some more, and slowly began to live again. That grief isn't in the forefront of my mind anymore. There's now part of me in heaven that I'm looking forward to seeing and meeting. It happened so long ago that my perspective on the loss has changed me from feeling grief to feeling hope for what's still to come in eternity.
See, HOPE is not temporal, it's in the eternal. God has promised we will have suffering. We will have trials. My hope is that through them I will grow closer to God. That I won't take up an offense for someone else that is suffering, but that I will take the time to pray and lean into Jesus. In the end my relationship with him is what will last forever.
If in suffering we learn how to be more like Jesus we become only more of the person we're supposed to be, there's not a loss in suffering. In suffering there's gain. Gain which will hopefully make a powerful impact in the world that we live in, because we're not walking wounded, but walking healed.
This is not the part where I say I want to embrace suffering, no way. This is the part where I say I don't want to fear it. I want it to make me into the MORE LIKE JESUS that I'm after.
Join me this week praying for B & L, suffering is not fun. God does offer his peace and joy, and I pray that it's poured out over them. Over you and the hard times you've walked through. I pray that only the good is kept and the bitter is left behind as we move forward towards God.
Yes, I do have good things to report too... more on that later. Love you!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
where do I start?
I don't know where to begin. Not at the beginning, since I do have to get up for work tomorrow. I have to get up for work tomorrow! That's a good place to begin; how my life and work has changed over this last year. I still scratch my head at some point during the day as I hear myself say things like 'oh yeah, that's in Thailand' or 'I just moved back from a summer in England'. Who says that? Me apparently.
I love my 'home' country. When we left on our adventure last Advent season I thought I was moving away for a very long time. I actually was just moving, and then moving, and then living out of a suitcase, and then spending more time with our suitcases. We're technically moving, or in the process of moving, STILL. Currently residing in Nashville, in case you missed our last move.
Moving is an interesting way to spend a year! Where is this all taking us to? That would be a natural question; one that I hope to have the answer for one day. Where did it bring us to? Or better, what has it given us? Besides the obvious arm work out, as I have not learned how to pack a bit lighter, yet. It has reminded me of whose I am. To whom I belong. Where I am actually going.
I have a destiny. It was made plain to me when I sprinted towards a new country and a new adventure that God made me, and Ethan and gave us the ability and desire to live cross-culturally. Ethan was reminding me tonight of the day we went to visit a widow, brought her communion, and did the teenage 'unthinkable'; kissed the woman's cheek as we left. THAT was a great day, an eternal moment.
This year was full of ups and downs, joys and despair. It was full as well with the sense of God drawing nearer to us. Filling us with hope of things to come and strength not just to run with our bags through 2 terminals at Heathrow international airport.
So it does feel a bit like we did a bungee cord move around the world and back. During that time I saw the faithfulness of God, and stoked a growing hunger to know more of his love and to spread more of what I've been given. Tomorrow I will go to work and see people who need some of the love I've been given, it's not 'missions' but it certainly is the mission field.
More later, until then I'm singing Handels Messiah 'Comfort ye' http://youtu.be/F3a9N2DTLX8 and reading through an Advent reading from biblegateway.com
What are you up to? Know that in everything you do, God loves you!
xo
I love my 'home' country. When we left on our adventure last Advent season I thought I was moving away for a very long time. I actually was just moving, and then moving, and then living out of a suitcase, and then spending more time with our suitcases. We're technically moving, or in the process of moving, STILL. Currently residing in Nashville, in case you missed our last move.
Moving is an interesting way to spend a year! Where is this all taking us to? That would be a natural question; one that I hope to have the answer for one day. Where did it bring us to? Or better, what has it given us? Besides the obvious arm work out, as I have not learned how to pack a bit lighter, yet. It has reminded me of whose I am. To whom I belong. Where I am actually going.
I have a destiny. It was made plain to me when I sprinted towards a new country and a new adventure that God made me, and Ethan and gave us the ability and desire to live cross-culturally. Ethan was reminding me tonight of the day we went to visit a widow, brought her communion, and did the teenage 'unthinkable'; kissed the woman's cheek as we left. THAT was a great day, an eternal moment.
This year was full of ups and downs, joys and despair. It was full as well with the sense of God drawing nearer to us. Filling us with hope of things to come and strength not just to run with our bags through 2 terminals at Heathrow international airport.
So it does feel a bit like we did a bungee cord move around the world and back. During that time I saw the faithfulness of God, and stoked a growing hunger to know more of his love and to spread more of what I've been given. Tomorrow I will go to work and see people who need some of the love I've been given, it's not 'missions' but it certainly is the mission field.
More later, until then I'm singing Handels Messiah 'Comfort ye' http://youtu.be/F3a9N2DTLX8 and reading through an Advent reading from biblegateway.com
What are you up to? Know that in everything you do, God loves you!
xo
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I440 loop around the world
I was driving into the city from Clarksville. There was a slight detour, and then I missed the merge and ended up going west instead of east. Ah, but then there was the I440 loop, it goes east. East pointed me towards home. I made this mad loop around this little city. I could've taken Briley Parkway, but I thought going through the city would be faster and I wanted to see downtown.
Sometimes I feel like I have made this mad loop around the world. It's been just 10 months since I moved from Nashville to Thailand, spent the summer in England, and now back in Nashville. Here's a little preview of our adventure, thanks for coming along for the journey!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
I have lived some wild dreams
My life has thrown me a few curve balls along the way. Some that seemed less like a curve and more like a purposeful fowl ball right in the chin. Life is about living so when these moments come I look to God the source of my life. I live with the HOPE of things to come; the promises of life. There are moments when it actually is painful to hope. Like it's a choice, and choosing Hope over despair or discouragement takes an act of the will that sometimes feels more like pain than pleasure. There have been moments this year when through heart ache I have chosen hope.
This morning I woke up with the HOW? running through my mind. How am I supposed to do this? Again? My friend said I shouldn't look at this moment in my life as starting over, but as a chance for God to give me better things than I had before. It feels a lot like starting over; like homelessness; jobless; car-less; starting over. How am I meant to land back 'home' with none of the 'things' needed to survive that landing?
I switch to survival mode really quickly. Fighting mode. I have a son, I need to provide for and protect him. I am all he has; I so don't want to screw up... nope, not perfect, or striving for perfection, just looking to add joy to his life. JOY, we have it in our little family. At the moment what we have more of is tiredness and a bit of a lingering cough.
In my mind we were going to go 'home' to Thailand. Rest would come in our tiny little cottage; finally. I have spent myself and my time this summer serving almost 2,000 people their dinners. It's been a long, amazing, and exhausting outreach. REST was in order, yet it seems the farthest thing from what is about to come to our lives.
Our plane tickets were changed painlessly from Chiang Mai to Nashville. I have hope that this transition back to our other 'home' will be just as painless. God is the source of my hope. The answer to the questions floating through my mind. The good Father who has not abandoned me or left us homeless, jobless, or car-less.
At the moment I don't know a lot of the answers to the HOW???'s, but my heart is at peace. This week will be spent cultivating this love of God in my heart while resting, packing and discovering our next 'home'. I have dreamed and lived some wild dreams, so the adventure continues and my heart keeps moving closer into my Father's heart.
I eagerly await the beginning of next week when God has sorted more of this out!
This morning I woke up with the HOW? running through my mind. How am I supposed to do this? Again? My friend said I shouldn't look at this moment in my life as starting over, but as a chance for God to give me better things than I had before. It feels a lot like starting over; like homelessness; jobless; car-less; starting over. How am I meant to land back 'home' with none of the 'things' needed to survive that landing?
I switch to survival mode really quickly. Fighting mode. I have a son, I need to provide for and protect him. I am all he has; I so don't want to screw up... nope, not perfect, or striving for perfection, just looking to add joy to his life. JOY, we have it in our little family. At the moment what we have more of is tiredness and a bit of a lingering cough.
In my mind we were going to go 'home' to Thailand. Rest would come in our tiny little cottage; finally. I have spent myself and my time this summer serving almost 2,000 people their dinners. It's been a long, amazing, and exhausting outreach. REST was in order, yet it seems the farthest thing from what is about to come to our lives.
Our plane tickets were changed painlessly from Chiang Mai to Nashville. I have hope that this transition back to our other 'home' will be just as painless. God is the source of my hope. The answer to the questions floating through my mind. The good Father who has not abandoned me or left us homeless, jobless, or car-less.
At the moment I don't know a lot of the answers to the HOW???'s, but my heart is at peace. This week will be spent cultivating this love of God in my heart while resting, packing and discovering our next 'home'. I have dreamed and lived some wild dreams, so the adventure continues and my heart keeps moving closer into my Father's heart.
I eagerly await the beginning of next week when God has sorted more of this out!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Olympic Memories
My love for the Olympics began on a farm in Indiana in front of a 13" black and white TV. It was 1984, just putting that year down makes me feel a bit old; but that was the first year the Olympics stick out in my memory. They were being held in LA and America was pretty excited. My family was really excited. There were a number of reasons of course for the building excitement.
First we had a family rule that we would only watch Lawrence Welk; Animal Kingdom; and any sporting event on Sunday afternoons. I'm not sure how my parents were able to enforce such a strict rule, but they did. Most of the Sunday afternoon sports watching was really boring! I remember trying with my younger brother to be interested in golf, we'd never seen the sport in real life, and never quite got it, or the scoring in tennis. Never the less there we were every Sunday hoping for something more interesting than the week before; basketball and football seasons went down well. When the Olympics were on, however, we could watch TV all the time. Wow! What an amazing turn of events in our young minds. Watching sports during the week; all week long access to the TV. We were thrilled, and well entertained.
It wasn't just watching the sport, it was also a sense of patriotism for our country and standing by our USA flag with honor as one of our home team obtained a gold medal.
My love for the nations continued to expand during these Olympic games as well. I think being exposed to seeing national flags and hearing and seeing their fans made an impression.
The second main and most thrilling reason at the time to love the Olympics in my house was McDonald's. I know now it's not actual food, and Ethan and I basically never go there, attempt to never go there and have at points made rules forbidding our family from eating there. This was the 1980's, so there may have been actual food in the food served?
I grew up on a farm. We grew the food we ate. Being a family of 7 and living with my Grandparents making our numbers around the dinner table a big number 9 we simply didn't go out to eat. EVER! Well, maybe we got to go to my Dad's business meetings, but rarely. Eating out was a HUGE treat.
In 1984 for every gold, silver or bronze medal the USA team won McDonald's gave away food. It was free food. So we went, got a burger, peeled off the sticker to find out what else we could get for free. I think it started from an ad in the paper. I don't know if the McDonald's in Decatur, IN knew what hit them, but it was our BIG family. My brother and I would camp around the TV, holding onto our McDonald's coupons. Sometimes we were routing for the home team, because it was an exciting match. Other times we would be sitting there watching to see what kind of food we would be entitled to at McDonald's if the USA would just win.
To this almost 9 year old girl it was a magical season. We couldn't wait for the next Olympics. We had tasted the freedom of TV access and McDonald's fries. Our lives would never be the same.
This Olympic season I'm actually at the Olympics. I didn't get into the paid events, but got to see the triathlon go past Buckingham Palace(!). The draw for me was not about McDonald's coupons or getting to watch TV all week long. It was about the part of my curiosity for the nations that grew from seeing those flags and people during those early Olympic memories.
I think that in some ways the coming together of the nations even for sporting events gets God really excited. It's like a foretaste of heaven and what's to come for Christians. There have been so many teams representing the nations coming through to share the love and holiness of God to the nations that have gathered to celebrate life and achievement in the Olympics.
Watching from the vantage point of someone who's serving a bit in the background has been really exciting. It's like I have become a fan; encouraging; feeding and investing in lives who are bearing Christ's witness on the streets of London.
For more on the some of the testimonies coming out of these outreach teams here's a link: http://www.forever2012.com/
Now, I'm off to order some more food; people must eat! The Olympics outreaches are almost over, pray that we finish well.
*
First we had a family rule that we would only watch Lawrence Welk; Animal Kingdom; and any sporting event on Sunday afternoons. I'm not sure how my parents were able to enforce such a strict rule, but they did. Most of the Sunday afternoon sports watching was really boring! I remember trying with my younger brother to be interested in golf, we'd never seen the sport in real life, and never quite got it, or the scoring in tennis. Never the less there we were every Sunday hoping for something more interesting than the week before; basketball and football seasons went down well. When the Olympics were on, however, we could watch TV all the time. Wow! What an amazing turn of events in our young minds. Watching sports during the week; all week long access to the TV. We were thrilled, and well entertained.
It wasn't just watching the sport, it was also a sense of patriotism for our country and standing by our USA flag with honor as one of our home team obtained a gold medal.
My love for the nations continued to expand during these Olympic games as well. I think being exposed to seeing national flags and hearing and seeing their fans made an impression.
The second main and most thrilling reason at the time to love the Olympics in my house was McDonald's. I know now it's not actual food, and Ethan and I basically never go there, attempt to never go there and have at points made rules forbidding our family from eating there. This was the 1980's, so there may have been actual food in the food served?
I grew up on a farm. We grew the food we ate. Being a family of 7 and living with my Grandparents making our numbers around the dinner table a big number 9 we simply didn't go out to eat. EVER! Well, maybe we got to go to my Dad's business meetings, but rarely. Eating out was a HUGE treat.
In 1984 for every gold, silver or bronze medal the USA team won McDonald's gave away food. It was free food. So we went, got a burger, peeled off the sticker to find out what else we could get for free. I think it started from an ad in the paper. I don't know if the McDonald's in Decatur, IN knew what hit them, but it was our BIG family. My brother and I would camp around the TV, holding onto our McDonald's coupons. Sometimes we were routing for the home team, because it was an exciting match. Other times we would be sitting there watching to see what kind of food we would be entitled to at McDonald's if the USA would just win.
To this almost 9 year old girl it was a magical season. We couldn't wait for the next Olympics. We had tasted the freedom of TV access and McDonald's fries. Our lives would never be the same.
This Olympic season I'm actually at the Olympics. I didn't get into the paid events, but got to see the triathlon go past Buckingham Palace(!). The draw for me was not about McDonald's coupons or getting to watch TV all week long. It was about the part of my curiosity for the nations that grew from seeing those flags and people during those early Olympic memories.
I think that in some ways the coming together of the nations even for sporting events gets God really excited. It's like a foretaste of heaven and what's to come for Christians. There have been so many teams representing the nations coming through to share the love and holiness of God to the nations that have gathered to celebrate life and achievement in the Olympics.
Watching from the vantage point of someone who's serving a bit in the background has been really exciting. It's like I have become a fan; encouraging; feeding and investing in lives who are bearing Christ's witness on the streets of London.
For more on the some of the testimonies coming out of these outreach teams here's a link: http://www.forever2012.com/
Now, I'm off to order some more food; people must eat! The Olympics outreaches are almost over, pray that we finish well.
*
Thursday, August 9, 2012
I'd like to be blogging
Some days when so much has happened I just want to collect my thoughts and tell you the story. Like amazing funny and sometimes benign stories. I should be writing it down. I really should be writing something down.
The thing that I have been doing instead of blogging is ordering food. LOADS, literally coming by semi load, of food. So, about the time I've begun to collect my thoughts I remember that I totally forgot to order fruit for lunch tomorrow, or I think about that empty place in the pantry and try to remember that one item I keep forgetting to reorder. It's a whole different game when you run out of fruit and serving 600 rather than just 2!
There have been some really amazing, I mean amazing things happen through our summer. I'll write about it later. In the meantime, keep praying for Ethan and I as we're spending our summer serving the Olympic outreach teams. It has been our personal marathon in some ways. I spend about 60 hours/week in the kitchen prepping, ordering, and serving food. It's physically exhausting most days. On the plus side, people are hearing about Jesus and I'm still losing weight with all the moving around.
For now, enjoy these stories from the Outreach as told by others :)
www.forever2012.com
The thing that I have been doing instead of blogging is ordering food. LOADS, literally coming by semi load, of food. So, about the time I've begun to collect my thoughts I remember that I totally forgot to order fruit for lunch tomorrow, or I think about that empty place in the pantry and try to remember that one item I keep forgetting to reorder. It's a whole different game when you run out of fruit and serving 600 rather than just 2!
There have been some really amazing, I mean amazing things happen through our summer. I'll write about it later. In the meantime, keep praying for Ethan and I as we're spending our summer serving the Olympic outreach teams. It has been our personal marathon in some ways. I spend about 60 hours/week in the kitchen prepping, ordering, and serving food. It's physically exhausting most days. On the plus side, people are hearing about Jesus and I'm still losing weight with all the moving around.
For now, enjoy these stories from the Outreach as told by others :)
www.forever2012.com
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Silence will fall
Silence.
We had been talking about driving in England, the wrong side of the road; like in Thailand. Conversation went to riding motorcycle in Thailand and how life threatening that feels like at times. It was a bit of a walk to church, and so the conversations went on.
Sitting in the sanctuary in silence felt really good. There was the occasional squeaking of the chair as someone adjusted their position. Ethan was starting to play with his breathing; going faster, then slower. He could hear himself breathe, what a novelty.
This was just my second time at a Quaker service. These Friends of Jesus do silence really well. It was something that I was longing for. This sitting with others anticipating God to move and speak. They do it so gracefully and with such a sense of longing for God; to know Him; to wait on Him.
The week had been quite full, which had followed a stack of quite full weeks. Orientation into the YWAM family, figuring quantities of food for large teams; shopping lists; rechecking budgets; meetings, and then more meetings; and then if I'm honest a few more meetings. There was a lot of speaking thinking and re-connecting.
Silence is luxurious!
In the stillness God spoke. He's whispering into my heart about his love, I respond with my longing for even more. It's all in these silent moments that spaces of my soul are touched. My eyes are tearing up, the tenderness of Gods words are echoing in my heart and like a balm to a wound they are healing me.
Ethan is beside me turning the pages of his Bible. Handing it to me he starts to play on my iPod; it's been about 45 minutes now. I don't really want the time to end too quickly. I lean over to Ethan and ask him if God has been saying things to him; he nods; and goes back to slaying those smiley pigs.
I turn the Bible to a verse that was shared with me this week; Philippians 1:9-11.
I pray that your love will keep on growing more and more, together with true knowledge and perfect judgement, so that you will be able to choose what is best. Then you will be free from all impurity and blame on the Day of Christ. Your lives will be filled with the truly good qualities which only Jesus Christ can produce, for the glory and praise of God.
That's what this silent moment is about for me. Growing in love with God. Stillness as a means of growth; great practice of Sabbath rest!
The silence ends with the shaking of hands. We share a meal; and walk home talking about prayer and positioning ourselves to hear and receive from God. The silence was wonderful for my soul; and so now my prayer for you is that you also grow in your love for God, that you will keep growing, and that his constant pursuing will meet you in every moment.
We had been talking about driving in England, the wrong side of the road; like in Thailand. Conversation went to riding motorcycle in Thailand and how life threatening that feels like at times. It was a bit of a walk to church, and so the conversations went on.
Sitting in the sanctuary in silence felt really good. There was the occasional squeaking of the chair as someone adjusted their position. Ethan was starting to play with his breathing; going faster, then slower. He could hear himself breathe, what a novelty.
This was just my second time at a Quaker service. These Friends of Jesus do silence really well. It was something that I was longing for. This sitting with others anticipating God to move and speak. They do it so gracefully and with such a sense of longing for God; to know Him; to wait on Him.
The week had been quite full, which had followed a stack of quite full weeks. Orientation into the YWAM family, figuring quantities of food for large teams; shopping lists; rechecking budgets; meetings, and then more meetings; and then if I'm honest a few more meetings. There was a lot of speaking thinking and re-connecting.
Silence is luxurious!
In the stillness God spoke. He's whispering into my heart about his love, I respond with my longing for even more. It's all in these silent moments that spaces of my soul are touched. My eyes are tearing up, the tenderness of Gods words are echoing in my heart and like a balm to a wound they are healing me.
Ethan is beside me turning the pages of his Bible. Handing it to me he starts to play on my iPod; it's been about 45 minutes now. I don't really want the time to end too quickly. I lean over to Ethan and ask him if God has been saying things to him; he nods; and goes back to slaying those smiley pigs.
I turn the Bible to a verse that was shared with me this week; Philippians 1:9-11.
I pray that your love will keep on growing more and more, together with true knowledge and perfect judgement, so that you will be able to choose what is best. Then you will be free from all impurity and blame on the Day of Christ. Your lives will be filled with the truly good qualities which only Jesus Christ can produce, for the glory and praise of God.
That's what this silent moment is about for me. Growing in love with God. Stillness as a means of growth; great practice of Sabbath rest!
The silence ends with the shaking of hands. We share a meal; and walk home talking about prayer and positioning ourselves to hear and receive from God. The silence was wonderful for my soul; and so now my prayer for you is that you also grow in your love for God, that you will keep growing, and that his constant pursuing will meet you in every moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)