To the childless Mother

My womb was closed. I always imagined that I would have a big family. I came from a family of 7, so I imagined my own table full of happiness. Piles of laundry & mud pies, scraped knees and family devotions. I have child bearing hips & the desire, so it must be my destiny. 

Ethan came so easily. We hadn't really tried. Our next child involved taking temperatures and timing. When I lost her all I could feel was despair, but I still had hope for a full quiver, so I continued to try & try. 

I realized I was trying & considered my namesake Hannah in the Bible. She had prayed to God so hard that they thought she was intoxicated. Travail. It's not like a regular prayer, it has desire, longing, some despair & faith. I began a years long process of travail. Eight years. 

I never did have another child. What did happen was my heart was used to being in a desperate place with God so that when tragedy struck I knew how to cry out. 

I'm a mother & have cared for many beyond my own womb. Today I want to celebrate my closed womb as well as the life it brang forth. It was a crucible & the way my heart learned Gods heart deeper. 

If you have cared for another, you are a mother & I celebrate your selfless acts of serving those born from another's womb.

I Samuel 1:15-17 Hannah said,'Oh no, sir- please! I'm a woman hardly used. I have not been drinking not a drop of wine or beer.  The only thing I've been pouring out as my heart, pouring it out to God.  Don't for a minute think I'm a bad woman.  It's because I'm so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I've stayed so long.'  Eli answered her 'Go in peace.  And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him.'