To the childless Mother

My womb was closed. I always imagined that I would have a big family. I came from a family of 7, so I imagined my own table full of happiness. Piles of laundry & mud pies, scraped knees and family devotions. I have child bearing hips & the desire, so it must be my destiny. 

Ethan came so easily. We hadn't really tried. Our next child involved taking temperatures and timing. When I lost her all I could feel was despair, but I still had hope for a full quiver, so I continued to try & try. 

I realized I was trying & considered my namesake Hannah in the Bible. She had prayed to God so hard that they thought she was intoxicated. Travail. It's not like a regular prayer, it has desire, longing, some despair & faith. I began a years long process of travail. Eight years. 

I never did have another child. What did happen was my heart was used to being in a desperate place with God so that when tragedy struck I knew how to cry out. 

I'm a mother & have cared for many beyond my own womb. Today I want to celebrate my closed womb as well as the life it brang forth. It was a crucible & the way my heart learned Gods heart deeper. 

If you have cared for another, you are a mother & I celebrate your selfless acts of serving those born from another's womb.

I Samuel 1:15-17 Hannah said,'Oh no, sir- please! I'm a woman hardly used. I have not been drinking not a drop of wine or beer.  The only thing I've been pouring out as my heart, pouring it out to God.  Don't for a minute think I'm a bad woman.  It's because I'm so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I've stayed so long.'  Eli answered her 'Go in peace.  And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him.'

Psalm 2:7-9

"Let me tell you what God said next. He said you're my son, and today is your birthday. What do you want?  Name it: Nations as a present? contents as a prize?  You can command them all to dance for you, or throw them out with tomorrow's trash." ~The Message translation

It was part of my devotions this morning; at 5am while in my bed next to my little table light.  I have read this verse so many times while traveling!  I can't say how many times I've quoted this back to God.  In prayer, in intercession, in worship, in my everyday life as I literally prayed for nations to know the transforming love of God. In nations, in America.   It has been my hearts passion to see nations understand the depth of love their creator has for them.

The conversation changed over the years about that verse. It then became 'God, I did that, I don't know how to ask anymore.'  God, how can I ask for anything from you?  Father change my heart so that I don't yearn for the nations anymore, it hurts so badly not be pursuing them with you.

This morning was different.  I've asked for nations and peoples, I've asked for perspective and change of circumstance.

Today I read, ask me for your desires.  See, I don't think the verse is just meant to be for missionaries, or Christian workers or anyone in a particular vocation.  I think it's for Gods son/daughter to just ask.

Well, what do you want?

I went on to Facebook and my friend Remaliah is about to celebrate the year of life to her precious daughter.  She made a video and in the background is the song Good Good Father.  It's not been an easy year for their family, but what a gift to celebrate.   The song was echoing in my head as I got ready.

Ethan pipes up from the living room 'what are you thinking mom?'  He knew something was on my mind.

There was this catch in my throat, mostly because I was starting to catch a glimpse of Gods desire for me, and not just for my sacrifice, but for a good life as well.  I started to explain about the verse and how God just wants to give us absolutely everything he can because he's just over the moon in love with us.  Father's don't demand sacrifice, God revels in our joy, in hoping with us, in seeing our lives unfold.

So, learning as I grow; so much more to go!

April 15, 2009

There was nothing unusual about that Wednesday.  We were moving 'home'.  Back to Tennessee, back to friends and familiar places, back to America.  The invitation to stay in England was there, but I knew we needed help; help in our marriage.  Our relationship was dissolving.  I'd been through every kind of counseling and prayer and was just miserable.  He could no longer blame me, I was old enough to understand it wasn't just me.  It never was.

I was happy to be home; he was morose.  I tried everything in my power to make him happy, it failed, miserably failed.  It had been failing a lot, which was frustrating, but we were 'home' to get help.  Surely things were about to get better.  Hopeful thoughts.

We were welcomed back at staff meeting, got to share through our jet-lag some of what we were transitioning into.  It was a good job, there was meaning and purpose.  

After the meeting we had another meeting, which was customary.  The directors asked us to their office.  Our friends, who I'd literally known my whole adult life.  Had built homes with, toiled and prayed were asking us some serious questions.  The FBI had come to the facility the day we'd landed in country.  They'd asked about us and our character.  Do you know why?  I was completely clueless. The FBI?

There was that trip to that African country that seemed a bit sketchy, not sure an American should've been at those meetings, or in that location... was that it?

It was tax day, but no way, I did send the payment, and the FBI wouldn't be after that....

We got in the car.  Our friends said the FBI would meet us at our 'house'.  I asked him if he knew why, he said maybe it was something with the internet, and then stopped and would say no more.

The house was a double wide trailer; in the middle of no where.  All our belongings were in transit from England, so the house was bare except for a pile of mattresses in the corner, a broken chair and the couch leftover from the '70's.  

They did pull in.  It was 3 vehicles, there was a plume of dust, and he went out to meet them.  They instructed him to wait on the porch. 

So I'm introducing myself to the FBI agents, badges are out.  I offer coffee, it's about all I have in the house and I'm going to be hospitable.  I sit on the couch as they explain they need to ask me some questions.  The folding chair does a bit of a bend and the agent has to shift to keep from falling out of it.  I'm surely able to answer whatever they want.  Mr. Chavez opens up his legal pad and asks me my name, my social, did I know my husband was a bisexual.  

The room went kind of funny at that point.  It was like I was in a tunnel hearing things I didn't think were possible. There were pictures of boys, chat room conversations, names of potential victims.  VICTIMS, I heard that word.  They were investigating my husband, and were asking if I was also involved.  ME, involved?  I'd given my life to giving others life, how could I be involved.  I was not a wolf... but I'd been married to one.  

It was crushing; my heart was racing.  I had married a good man, he was a good man, how could any of this be true.  The Elder agent looked at me as they were about to leave 'you need to think about how you're going to protect yourself and your son from this very dangerous man'. I heard myself say 'ok' and nod.  'No, listen, you need to protect yourself and your son from this DANGEROUS man'. I knew he was speaking the truth.  I knew in my knower that he was right and my perception was wrong.  

They walked out over an hour later, took the laptop, drove away.  I was now with this dangerous man.  I turned to talk to him; he put his hands out to block me and said I should go away. 

In love with the ancient LOVE

Go God!

I have faced a few of my deepest fears in my life.  Losing a baby; a husband; a way of life; dreams crushed and hope all but walked off without me. (I felt like a little girl stranded at a big bus station).

There's a saying that starts a sentence with But God, it's not a popular way of starting a sentence if you know anything about proper English way of writing.

But God, keeps showing up! Did you know that God cannot lie?!?  Well, God cannot lie.  It says in Deuteronomy 7:13 that he will love you and bless you.... he will love you and bless you... he cannot lie, he loves you and is blessing you.  Do you feel God near? He wants to whisper of his love.  God has been shouting about his love for you for generations.  God knows you more deeply than any other.  He loves you, can you hear? Take a minute.

  In Jeremiah 31:3 God says, I have loved you with an everlasting love.  

Fear is the opposite of love.  Where there is fear, love is cut off. When I lost all those things, I saw fear come in.  Devouring fear like a  beast tearing at me from the inside, from the outside, consuming my thoughts. But God, he was all I had. God is love, where there is love there is not fear.  Over and over I found myself pouring out my heart to God, my tears, my blubbering through the pain of each circumstance.  He was there in those dark nights of the soul, when I felt I'd made my bed in hell.  God in his love was there.  He is here.  

My biggest fear was to be alone.  I was always worried I'd be left behind.  It probably came from a place of rejection.  So, if I look at my biggest difficulties; they were the times when I was becoming alone.  I didn't have another child or husband, but hope walked back in the door with God.  Hope came in wrapped in the love of God.  

Tonight, after our Advent devotion, Ethan and I were talking. He was saying that if he had a time machine he would go back and tell his younger self to beware of a few things he later has learned. It was an interesting conversation about how things might have been different.  What would I change if I could? 

Not sure I'd change much, because through all the pain the one thing that has remained is this unending love I know through God.  It grows, and I understand it in a different way through each circumstance.  I don't know if I'll ever understand all that I've lived and survived through, but I am growing in knowing God in a way I never dreamed possible. 

God cannot lie. God loves you.

The Lord Bless you and keep you,

The lord make his face shine upon you,

The Lord be gracious to you,

The Lord lift up your countenance and give you PEACE

 

My Dream Adventure

I used to spend Saturday mornings watching HGTV or DIY network shows.  I loved seeing the transformations and dreamed of having a home of my own.  One day, maybe, if my dreams still come true?

Hope builds so quickly in my heart.  

I spent the summer of 2014 looking at places, losing them to a faster bidder, or finding out that they really didn't pass inspection.  I would walk into a 'fixer upper' and dream about how I could make it our home. Well, I could, I just knew it.  I imagined all the things I'd learned on Saturday and how I could put my own spin on them here.  

In my life in missions I loved building homes!  I remember in 1994 being in a rain drenched mud pit, building a home, collecting rocks for the foundation and carrying bricks up the side of a slippery slope to build a family home.  It was crazy hard, but I loved that my labor was for something so significant, it was sacred.  Plus I love that I can say I know how to make cinder block in a mold (who does that). 

My turn came! I found a house, a deal that was only a miracle.  This great 1950's ranch.  If you look at my Facebook albums you'll see loads of projects.  

It hit me sometime during my Saturday morning that I hadn't watched any home improvement shows lately.  I was out on the ladder, painting my shutters.  I'd just finished the front door and porch chairs.  It'd be great to have a crew, like they do on the shows, to get the work done faster.  In the meantime I'm doing what I dreamed of, what I saw slip out of my hands, but I remained hopeful that I would have.  I'm a homeowner, I DIY... 

What are you doing for the holidays?

It's a pretty common question. One that's been biting at me lately. Actually the one that has me bawling like a school girl. A lot 

So, today it was there again, and my emotions were spilling over in grand form. That's when I asked myself why? 

Well, Thanksgiving was with my parents, who are in heaven at their own banqueting table. 

When we lived abroad it was with a community, and I cook, so we'd host everyone we could. 

My expectation was that I would have a big family. Four kids. That dream was from my childhood and I didn't get what I wanted. 

Whoa.. So there it was this root of anger or bitterness or a bit of both? I didn't get what I wanted. My expectations weren't met. It was the pain pressing against my desire that was causing agony instead of adventure. I had just been applauding myself for my ability to forgive. I hadn't forgiven. There's more to forgive & let God heal. 

There's more to forgive and let God heal!! 

So the answer is, I will be watching the Macy's parade; just like every year. Ethan will complain about how long it is & I'll say that its tradition, and I love it. We'll eat turkey and while decorating for Christmas we'll watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. I don't know where or who we'll be with. Guess what? It'll be good because I'll be a bit more free from the unforgiveness that has tried to rob me of the anticipation of a great season. 

God's greatest gift is eternal life, live well friends. 

Swept away by Hope

I love the way hope feels, makes me feel, extends to people around me just because I have it.  Ah hope, familiar, sometimes fleeting friend.  
I believe in Christ there's always hope.  I know from experiencing despair, hope feels like a stronger force.  
So, here's my most recent 'hope find'... it's in my new healthy products from It Works!

 I just love the way I feel when I'm drinking my greens; I have so much energy.  When I take this anti-stress called Confianza I can rest, like really rest, it's so sweet!  I'm seeing my weight shift with 2 other supplements, that in itself is a miracle!  
The other way this is bringing me hope is in my finances.  I actually paid off one of my credit cards, so just one to go.  I see, however in this business so many people paying off their houses and sending their kids through school without debt and it thrills me!  How different would my life be if it was about living without the worry of the strain being a single parent has been?  Well, it looks like that is what is coming for us!   
I also see how my life as a missionary, has prepared me for this.  In Christ I saw so many people set free to more fully live.  I believe that as an American living here Christ also wants to set people free from debt, from isolation, from worry.  That's why I want to do this business, I want to be able to tell people struggling, like myself, that there's hope!  Come on, who doesn't want to give that?  
So, I'm a bit swept away by hope, it feels so good.  So refreshing, so freeing.  
Call me: 615-975-1438 and check out my website: www.dunwandryn2.com