Silence.
We had been talking about driving in England, the wrong side of the road; like in Thailand. Conversation went to riding motorcycle in Thailand and how life threatening that feels like at times. It was a bit of a walk to church, and so the conversations went on.
Sitting in the sanctuary in silence felt really good. There was the occasional squeaking of the chair as someone adjusted their position. Ethan was starting to play with his breathing; going faster, then slower. He could hear himself breathe, what a novelty.
This was just my second time at a Quaker service. These Friends of Jesus do silence really well. It was something that I was longing for. This sitting with others anticipating God to move and speak. They do it so gracefully and with such a sense of longing for God; to know Him; to wait on Him.
The week had been quite full, which had followed a stack of quite full weeks. Orientation into the YWAM family, figuring quantities of food for large teams; shopping lists; rechecking budgets; meetings, and then more meetings; and then if I'm honest a few more meetings. There was a lot of speaking thinking and re-connecting.
Silence is luxurious!
In the stillness God spoke. He's whispering into my heart about his love, I respond with my longing for even more. It's all in these silent moments that spaces of my soul are touched. My eyes are tearing up, the tenderness of Gods words are echoing in my heart and like a balm to a wound they are healing me.
Ethan is beside me turning the pages of his Bible. Handing it to me he starts to play on my iPod; it's been about 45 minutes now. I don't really want the time to end too quickly. I lean over to Ethan and ask him if God has been saying things to him; he nods; and goes back to slaying those smiley pigs.
I turn the Bible to a verse that was shared with me this week; Philippians 1:9-11.
I pray that your love will keep on growing more and more, together with true knowledge and perfect judgement, so that you will be able to choose what is best. Then you will be free from all impurity and blame on the Day of Christ. Your lives will be filled with the truly good qualities which only Jesus Christ can produce, for the glory and praise of God.
That's what this silent moment is about for me. Growing in love with God. Stillness as a means of growth; great practice of Sabbath rest!
The silence ends with the shaking of hands. We share a meal; and walk home talking about prayer and positioning ourselves to hear and receive from God. The silence was wonderful for my soul; and so now my prayer for you is that you also grow in your love for God, that you will keep growing, and that his constant pursuing will meet you in every moment.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
reflecting as I retell
Obviously there has been a lot happen in my life since I last saw my friends here in England. The story usually begins with the most traumatic bit, and then the details don't get much better until later on. Not everyone has time for the full telling; and I couldn't give every detail every time. It's a story based in my reality, from my vantage point on this side of Gods understanding of me in eternity.
What I will tell is one of my main life lessons; FORGIVENESS. I remember growing up hearing the Bible story of the disciples asking Jesus how many times must they forgive someone, and then doing the math as to what number 70 x 7 would equal. It seemed important to do exactly that number in my mind. The point Jesus was making was that we're to forgive everyone every time without hesitation.
Forgiveness is meant to be simple, not an act of contrition from the one your holding unforgiveness towards, but your own hearts forgiveness and release of that person from their sin (felt or real). It's sometimes easy to forgive a person of that one thing, the one event. The thing is there's those thoughts that keep coming back and accusing them of all the little failures, the things that should've been or what could've been. Those are for me sometimes harder to recognize and forgive. I will hear myself thinking 'if only'; and it's like a bell going off (eventually) that I need to forgive for even that small thing, or big thing. It's so my heart can be released from the despair, anger, or grief that I feel around that thought. MY HEART was not designed to hold despair, anger, and grief! Forgiveness is a way of flushing my heart of those things that will destroy me. THEY would destroy me!
In Song of Solomon 2:15 it says:
Catch the foxes[e] for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.
What I will tell is one of my main life lessons; FORGIVENESS. I remember growing up hearing the Bible story of the disciples asking Jesus how many times must they forgive someone, and then doing the math as to what number 70 x 7 would equal. It seemed important to do exactly that number in my mind. The point Jesus was making was that we're to forgive everyone every time without hesitation.
Forgiveness is meant to be simple, not an act of contrition from the one your holding unforgiveness towards, but your own hearts forgiveness and release of that person from their sin (felt or real). It's sometimes easy to forgive a person of that one thing, the one event. The thing is there's those thoughts that keep coming back and accusing them of all the little failures, the things that should've been or what could've been. Those are for me sometimes harder to recognize and forgive. I will hear myself thinking 'if only'; and it's like a bell going off (eventually) that I need to forgive for even that small thing, or big thing. It's so my heart can be released from the despair, anger, or grief that I feel around that thought. MY HEART was not designed to hold despair, anger, and grief! Forgiveness is a way of flushing my heart of those things that will destroy me. THEY would destroy me!
In Song of Solomon 2:15 it says:
Catch the foxes[e] for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.
I think it's talking about capturing our thoughts, for this lesson that even means releasing forgiveness in my thoughts. This kind of lifestyle I think leads to the life more abundantly that God has promised us. I think it begins in our hearts surrender to Gods design in extending forgiveness to everyone every time. Nope, it doesn't sound easy, but wow! when I finally give in to it it's life giving and adds such peace and hope to my life.
I love that God has allowed us to serve again in England, it's bringing a lot of good things back to our lives, more on that later. I'm listening to this & enjoying the last bit of the song, singing back to God.
Stardate 15/06/2055
The day we left was meant to be simple. Everything was basically packed except the pillows. So why was I running around sweating at the last minute trying to close these bags? It was just one of those days, when simple things take up longer and more complicating spaces of time. Our friends were around helping. Running the cats to their house for the summer 'Foster care' program. Loading the plants off so they won't die while we're gone. Finding the shampoo and condiments those last items that are needed, but needed to disappear before we locked up the house.
At the airport I my landlord was calling... 'no, I left the key on the table'. Ethan pulls a key from his pocket, he didn't think we meant to leave it behind. Thankfully there's a post office in the airport & my landlord thought it was wild and astonishing that I was at the airport sending it to him, like maybe I was staying in Chiang Mai? It was done, last of the strings tied up, I hope.
It was a long layover in Bangkok. We pulled out Ethan's new movies, and settled into some comfy couches for the duration. I booked our seats so that Ethan had a window and I sat on the aisle hoping that no one would book the middle seat. It worked! There was space :) Ethan is now pretty much my height, so it's much different traveling with him than when he was 4 and would just curl up on my lap. He was sleeping by take off, and stayed asleep for 10 of the 12 hours in flight. I watched a movie, and fell asleep too. I NEVER sleep on planes, but slept for 5 hours maybe a bit more.
We arrived early into Heathrow. I went to M&S got some raspberries and milk for Ethan. It's so fun to be back in this country. To see things that are familiar and remember our life here. Getting to the Oval (YWAM base) was even more amazing. I love seeing old friends and meeting new faces.
I think the summer will be wild and amazing, I keep saying that over and over. God brought us here safely and I'm thankful.
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